Regret - The Fair But Tough Teacher

When I turned 40, I started questioning my decisions and looking back on life: Have I done what I said I would? Did I accomplish my goals? Where did the last 40 years go? Am I where I thought I would be? Some call it a midlife crisis; instead, I call it a midlife reflection.

I noticed a pattern during these moments of reflection. So much has happened — amazing trips, career stories, friendships, heartbreaks, opportunities and memories. There also are regretful moments, and I think to myself, oh goodness, I wish I could have done that differently.

However, there is one prominent regret that I cannot run from: My mind has always been elsewhere, no matter what I was doing or where I was at the time.

More than 20 years of my life was consumed with heavy amounts of educational and industrial learning, with trying hard to connect the dots of what was learned in college to the career I was trying to master, with using problem-solving skills and perceived expertise to strongly suggest what others should do to fix that issue or who should change their behavior.

But I missed something critical — the opportunity to be fully present.

Like many women in the workforce who become laser-focused on multi-tasking, I became a preoccupied mess of "to-do's." So much of the day-to-day work/life balancing act was spent just trying to get the next thing done. A jam-packed work day coupled with the nagging distractions of what needed to get done next — at work or at home — left me overwhelmed and regretfully detached from myself, people, stories and connection. In essence, I was armored up to defend my busy mind against all of the other stuff (namely, people) I believed there was not time for. A preoccupation with and slavish attention to tasks, problem solving, etc., meant that what should have been joyful, meaningful experiences were minimized.

It also became clear that the obsessive focus on my future and advancing to the next level, while positive and productive, was the connection to the regret I was feeling. While I used to say "no regrets!" I have learned that's not realistic.

Research professor and author Brene Brown tells us that regret is a fair but tough teacher. To get in touch with our regrets, we must be vulnerable enough to accept that none of us is perfect and embrace the courage to change.

When we experience regret, we must be willing to reflect and say, I probably didn't handle that in the best way; maybe I need to learn and try a different approach.

From my perspective today, every day is an opportunity for problem solving and continuous improvement, which includes actively problem solving for my own behavior, not just the behavior of others.

So I asked myself a simple question: How could I truly solve problems, my own or others, if I am not listening? Because in order to listen, I must be fully present. That means not thinking about the next appointment, what I didn't get done yesterday and how much I still have to do. I must be fully available, not distracted by my phone, not attempting to remember what else was on that to-do list or not preparing my response before someone is completely finished speaking. That means listening to my heart when it tugs a little as if to say, hey, I need you to pay attention to me, I have something important to say. While it sounds so cliché to be fully present, it's very presently clear how the next 40 years needs to be. With no regrets.

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