Feedback Sucks - Make It Suck Less

I will never forget the first time I had to let go of a salaried member of my team. Firing someone felt very uncomfortable and the way I handled it was not one of my proudest moments.

While I understood the reason I needed to sever and had plenty of evidence to sever, I regret that I did not have the skills that I have now to engage in that tough conversation. A tough conversation that could have also been compassionate, vulnerable and willing to hear what responsibility I had in this individual's performance that led to a termination.

The number one issue that organizations are up against today is the avoidance of tough conversations. "We just aren't having them," says Dr. Brené Brown. "We are talking about each other versus to one another and that is toxic."

How do you handle tough feedback when your team or direct reports have fallen a bit short? Even if you're not terminating a team member, what about performance evaluations? Does your team know what behaviors are really appreciated and which ones are not? What about a candidate selection during a competitive promotional opportunity? Does every candidate know where they stand after the selection is over especially the ones who did not get selected?

There are lots of methods and approaches to giving feedback that you can research online and apply. I want to focus on getting your head and heart in a place that's not only clear but also kind before you give any type of feedback.

Most importantly, I want to acknowledge that giving feedback is inherently vulnerable. It feels uncomfortable and quite frankly, it sucks sometimes. So, let's embrace the suck and dig in to make it suck a little less.

First, whatever situation you're in, know that receiving feedback is also inherently vulnerable. Neither person, giving or receiving, is feeling solid about what's about to go down.

We are a social species who is wired for connection so no matter the circumstances and regardless of industry, the person you're about to give feedback to is uncomfortable and feeling the real fear of disconnection.

We register social pain in the same places we register physical pain so our brains don't know the difference. We love certainty so in the absence of certainty lives vulnerability. Vulnerability sucks for all of us, we just don't want to deal with it.

Vulnerability (what we feel when we are up against uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure) will be in the room when you’re engaged in feedback so just "name it to tame it."

For example, an opening conversation may go something like this:

"I have some feedback for you and it may be uncomfortable. I feel a bit uncomfortable myself but I care about you and your development more than I care about how uncomfortable I feel. So, if you're feeling a little unsure about what to expect here, we are in this together. Can we talk a bit about _____________ ? Please know that I am open for feedback and I want to understand my responsibility in this, too."

But, before you go into any conversation where there will be feedback and a team member's confidence is on the line, we need to get ready to give feedback by using this engaged feedback checklist from Brené Brown's research in Dare to Lead™.

I know that I’m ready to give feedback when …

• I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.

• I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you).

• I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.

• I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes.

• I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges.

• I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming.

• I am open to owning my part.

• I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than criticize them for their failings.

• I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and opportunity.

• I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.

Keep in mind, over time and as more trust* is built, this gets easier and more fluid. When there is trust (respect), I can give direct, clear, immediate feedback from a place of kindness but until then, use this checklist (the Engaged Feedback pdf version is also linked here so please download it, print it and/or hang it in your office).

Ok, so now you're in the right frame of mind to give feedback, you're ready. I'm going to share 2 scenarios - one where I had no self-awareness or healthy skills to engage in constructive feedback (I will reference the termination above) and one where I can apply what I learned and walk you through what I would do differently now.

Scenario 1:

Me: "Erica, please come to the conference room at 8:00, I need to have a meeting with you."

Erica: "About what? Why?"

Me: "Just be there at 8:00, I need to discuss your performance."

[8:00 am]

Me: "Erica, here is the list of tasks that have not been completed after several attempts to follow up with you and requests for you to prioritize specific items. You've also been late several times this month and I've documented that. You're just not a good fit here and it's time that we part ways. I'm sorry this didn't work out. Do you have any questions?"

Erica: "This is not fair or true. But no, I have no questions."

Me: "Thank you. [Extends hand for a handshake with a blatant "hell no" response from Erica.]

Scenario 2:

Me: "Erica, we need to set up a time where I can give some feedback about your performance this past month. Please be prepared to give me feedback in return. What time is good for you?"

Erica: "How about 8:00 am, I don’t want to be late for my next meeting."

Me: "Sounds good, see you then."

[8:00 am]

Me: "I know this conversation may be uncomfortable, I'm feeling it now and I just want you to know that I value your work here. We need to dig into some of the projects that aren't meeting the deadline. I'm struggling with understanding why this continues to happen especially after several chats we have had about it. Help me understand what's in the way."

Erica: "I'm having trouble understanding the value behind what you're asking me to do. It seems really redundant and I'm overwhelmed. I am trying to get it all done but just get sidetracked."

Me: "I understand what it feels like to feel overwhelmed. I'm curious, do you feel like this role is the best fit for your skills and who you are as a leader?"

Erica: "Honestly, no, I don't enjoy sitting at my desk for long periods of time and that's what you're asking of me. I hate that part but I do enjoy tackling tough projects and getting people on board with that."

Me: "Ok, can you help me understand if I own any part of this? I'm frustrated about not having the reports on time and I have to continue to ask for deadlines to be met. We have to come up with a new plan."

Erica: "Your expectations are unreasonable sometimes. You are regularly asking me for these reports and that just shuts me down. I wish that were different."

Me: "Thank you for being honest with me about that, I hate that you're feeling shut down and that's not something I am intentionally doing so I apologize if it feels that way. I do value you and your work. The story I'm making up is that you don't care whether these reports get submitted on time and that's hard on me. Can we reality check that, please?"

Erica: "I don't care about those reports, they seem useless and silly to me. But maybe I don't understand their purpose. I have been trying."

Me: "I know you have and I appreciate that. This is a hard decision for me. It's time that we move forward and find something different for you. Before we do that, I've reached out to HR for any open roles in this department and there are a few that I'd like you to consider. I see what you do well and how you engage people and I want to retain you. I've tried working with you on this and being patient but I just don't think it's going to improve in the time I need it to. So, I need to find someone who will tackle that role with timeliness. I was hopeful that the time management workshop that we hosted here would help you a bit but I don't want to continue pushing this issue if the tasks are just too overwhelming. It's not fair to you or to anyone else. I know this isn't easy so I want you to take some time to honor your emotions regarding this. To be clear, I want to keep you here but not in this role. Take the next couple of days off and look at some of the vacant roles I've compiled. If they interest you, let's make it happen. If they don't, I want to help you transition out in the next week including providing a letter of recommendation of what you do well."

Erica: “Ok.”

Me: “This is hard on me, too. What does support look like right now?”

Erica: “I kind of feel relieved but also confused and scared. I just need to go home I think so I can process what has happened. Is that ok?”

Me: “Yes, it is. Take some time to grieve and process what you’re feeling, I will answer any calls/texts from you if you have them.” 

___________________________

Scenario 2 is not what many of us are comfortable doing as leaders. It’s easier to just suck it up, get ‘er done, feel less, do more and drop the hammer down on people as in Scenario 1. But these are people and the day I began leading is also the day I began caring about the people I am leading. 

That does not make me weak, it makes me a responsible, caring leader. Erica is not a bad person and the way I engaged her in Scenario 2 was brave. The way I engaged her was kind. The way I engaged her kept me in line with my values and in line with my integrity. The way I engage her in Scenario 1 was disconnected, shaming and not whom I wanted to be.

I also recognized that Erica was going to have emotions about this experience and emotions are always driving our thoughts and behaviors whether we like it or not. It’s not kind to ignore what was happening with Erica’s performance but it’s also not kind to for me to come out swinging. 

It took courage for her to be honest with me and while this is a scenario, I’ve seen something similar play out when I’ve engaged in these conversations since. I’m also hyper-aware that every interaction I have with someone now can feel like an “arena moment” for that person. 

An arena moment, a moment where someone has to step into the arena and do something brave is based upon this famous quote from Theodore Roosevelt:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

An arena moment requires us to be who we are without husting for people’s approval. It takes a ton of courage and here I am, giving her feedback about her performance and then letting her know I am letting her go from this role. And now here she is, face down in the arena, potentially questioning her value and her worth. 

I don’t want to be the kind of leader (even though I was for a few years) who engages in transactional relationships with my team. I want to support their development and help them rise when they fall because they will. I want to validate what they are feeling and not see them coming from a bad place.

When we don't talk to each other, we are finding ways to make excuses for the behaviors of those we are leading and then we consequently avoid the tough conversations. How does someone know what to change or what to improve upon if we don't communicate that with them in a kind, clear and compassionate way?

We've all been there - flat on our face in the arena after stepping out to do something brave. It's not always easy to get right back up but we must get back up. For the bravest among us are the ones whose faces are marred with blood and sweat and dust. We are daring greatly.

Imagine if we began helping one another get up a bit quicker. Imagine how much more we could get done?

*Trust is built in small moments and there is no trust without leaning into vulnerability. Embrace the suck.

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